*loneliness*

你相信吗?
我竟然感觉寂寞。。。
我唉。。。
表面上看是很坚强
谁知道我每一夜每一夜在心中哭泣的那种痛
那种无助
那种需要安慰的感觉

为什么感觉孤单?
信主的路其实不难走
因为一路上He's with us
可是其实也不容易走
因为the s guy会一路在旁攻击
I thank God for the faith He has given me
因为我真的很相信他
可是在上帝爱我的同时
the s guy也很努力的想让我不爱上帝

上两个星期的我像疯了
封闭到一个不行
那时候我才知道
原来
我还需要坚强
还需要成长

孤单
是我一直都很害怕的
字眼
感觉
所以我尽可能的远离它
可是我越逃
它越追
被它吞噬的时候我很努力挣扎
可是尽管我再努力
他终究在放肆
笼罩我

看着身边的朋友
明明心里有着像黥鱼般大的心事
却连一个开头也说不出
当我连我最好最好的朋友都不知道该怎么说话的时候
我感到害怕
真的很怕
好像就快失去一样

谁知道我每天每天在寂寞里呐喊
谁知道那时候的每一秒对我来说就像一小时
我那么久时间的呻吟
谁听见

努力的掩饰
因为不想让别人看见我的懦弱
更不想the s guy指着我的无助狂笑
我要让别人知道
我是坚强的
我可以很坚强

可是到底
我还是输了
为什么
我想在每一人面前掩盖自己最真实的一面
就连在天父面前
我跟他说
我所有所有的孤单我到告诉他
可是祷告结束前
我总会说
我还可以坚强

多自欺的话....

我在主里其实不孤单
我有很多很多的弟兄姐妹
可是我在乎的人
我的家人
我最在乎的两个麻吉
平安夜时却都不在我身边
天知道我有多在乎
回首一路走过的路
their absence blinded me
看不见他们
我仿佛像是一路都是一个人走过来
我瞎了
一路上有那么那么多的人陪我走
我却因为他们的不在场
忘了
忽视了
这一路上陪我走来的朋友们

我总能给自己理由不懦弱
可是就因为这些话全都是自自己跟自己说的
像精神分裂一样
一边说能
一边喊着说不能
理由在最后总是变成借口

不断的祷告
他听见
我真的知道
可是我听见回应了吗
没有
上帝做事有时间的
当我在崩溃的边缘
渴望回应却听不见的时候
就像掉进深渊
曾一度想说
就这样吧
任由寂寞放肆吧
时间久了就会好的
屁啦!!
最好是...

那一夜的哭泣
是他安排的
哭泣的瞬间我像被点燃的油灯
看通了好多好多
就一瞬间

他的分享
狠狠的烙了个印在我心上
是上帝派他来跟我说话的吗
要不是他
我想我还在痛苦吧

2011就快来到尾声了
我所有的祷告
就差一个还没实现
他真的是个听祷告的神
我相信
就快了

那一天
家人
我最在乎的朋友
都出乎我意料的
我像重新回到他们怀抱一样
我真的
I can only stand in awe
像个傻瓜一样
站着
什么也说不出来

跟他坦白了
也不知哪来的勇气
我跟他说了我喜欢他
可是因为走过来了
不奢求了
才下决心跟他坦白了
他给了我个拥抱
我还是喜欢他
可是这一次
就让他住在我心里就好
他是上帝给我最好的礼物
我主里的大哥
有一种喜欢
不拥有
也可以很快乐

十二月头
我就是有一种感觉
我会遇到一个很特别的人
而他会在我生命里扮演很重要的角色
是谁呢
这感觉错了吗
十二月快玩了
怎么还不出现

这就是我一直一直在祷告的啊...

at this very moment...I just want to give thanks to the Lord..
for saving me..
picking me out of all loneliness
everything happens for a reason..
no matter what..
I know You are for me..You will always be there with me
thanks for loving me
thanks for Your ears that listen to my prayers
I love You

with the love You gave me I shall love the others
2011 will end
2012 gonna start....
and I know my walk with You..will never come to an end

*I hope*

I hope what I'm thinking is wrong.
I hope I worry less
I hope I stop worry
I hope I'm not thinking too much
I hope people know how to appreciate
I hope they stop being ego
I hope everyone knows what He did for us
I hope they love Him
I hope I can sleep a whole day long without thinking of ANYTHING
I hope she can understand
I hope everytime he initiate a conversation..is because he miss me
I hope everytime she calls..is because she miss me
I hope they share their problems with me
I hope they know I'll always be there for them
I hope people stop take things for granted
I hope He is here
I hope to celebrate Christmas with him
I hope 31st he is the one standing beside me
I hope he understands I really know
I hope she will come
I hope I can have time to talk to her
I hope she can listen with a open heart
I hope I pray correctly
I hope I can find a place to live
I hope to pet a dog
I hope he's not mad
I hope I stop being impulsive
I hope I learned
I hope I won't forget what I shouldn't forget
I hope I say the right thing
I hope everybody respect everyone
I hope they know life is beautiful
I hope he remember what he promised me
I hope everyone is honest to their heart
I hope I know what is right and what is wrong
I hope he knows sometime I just want to sit beside him and look straight to the sky
I hope she won't forget me
I hope she is happy to know me
I hope they will be happy
I hope they last forever
I hope you know the he and she here is actually not only 2 persons
I hope I grow stronger
I hope I can stand firm
I hope I won't leave
I hope I can cry out loud
I hope I can laugh out loud
I hope sometime when I just want to keep quiet people won't think I'm angry or not happy
I hope I can be normal yet extraordinary in my way
I hope they are fine
I hope my birthday wish will come true
I hope I can walk till the very end
I hope this necklace will be with me forever
I hope he is the one
I hope he is not the one
I hope I can get 4 flat
I hope they know and understand my believe
I hope they happy with my presence
I hope they listen
I hope everything is fine
I hope she can be strong
I hope our friendship last forever
I hope my dream will come true
I hope I can smile through my life
I hope I won't grow fat
I hope my hair stop falling
I hope I can sing for Him
I hope I can shine for Him
I hope I'll have a very special very awesome Christmas celebration
I hope he forgive and forget
I hope he start a conversation with me
I hope he gives me a hug
I hope he lend me his shoulder
I hope when I call, she pick up.
I hope they can be responsible
I hope they understand the importance of understanding
I hope I know how to listen
I hope I know how to love
I hope I know how to teach
I hope I can always keep the faith
I hope he knows how happy I am to have him in my life
I hope she knows how I am to have her in my life
I hope everybody keep things simple stupid
I hope everyone is happy
I hope I'm not the only one that hope for all this thing
I hope I can be intelligent
I hope my hopes aren't too much to bear
I hope sad moments pass faster
I hope happy moments last longer
I hope this is true
I hope he knows I'm talking about him when I'm talking about him
I hope I can finish reading the Bible
I hope I can understand the Words of God
I hope people tell me when I did wrong
I hope they know I'm already 18
I hope they know I'm only 18
I hope he feels the same
I hope there'll be less misunderstanding
I hope I set a good example

hope
is dead
without faith
and action

*..n.n..*

Sem 2 had started 3 weeks so far...
Everything's fine..
can catch up with study..
Results 4 flat..All glory to God..
Relationships with family and friends are good..
Still continue growing strong spiritually..

3rd day staying at Peter's house
I don't know what I did but I was just so tired I actually slept the whole afternoon
as if I were in my own house

Still whole lot of homework waiting for me..
but since homework can never be done..
so I figure maybe I should do it after I've finished update my blog..

my first time to a Christian Wedding in church
now I know what always happens in those movies actually really does happens in real life
the bride is beautiful...so as the bridegroom..handsome
though it was a simple wedding..
but it's such a wonderful thing the bridegroom has finally found his lost rib..

then I wonder when will my right one finally 'reveal' himself in my life..
to be honest, I.CANT.WAIT.
I hope he's someone that know what I've experienced...and even better if he actually walked the path with me...
but before his existence...the more I experienced...the more I dun feel like knowing him...

How great the love you must have to make a promise that matters for a lifetime..
How big the courage you must have to tie a knot between you and his/her life...
'Marry me' is a big word for me..
when he/she finally read out the vow in front of the pastor..
'to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'till death do us part.'
the most beautiful promise that should never be broken.

How long will it takes you to make such promise?
for me...I hope we actually experienced something together before we make this promise..

I don't know why I have this kins of feeling...
the more I experienced...the more I dun feel like knowing him...
tired of waiting?
Come on...I'm not even 18 yet.

I hope I can meet him in December.
because December means a lot to me..A LOT

I have my eyes on a guy right now..
but I don't know if he is the guy that God has prepared for me..
God is good, God is awesome...
whoever He gives me is the best for me I know..
I believe He will let me know who is he someday somehow..
though knowing the guy is not mine will be hurtful..IF he wasn't mean to be mine..

still I gotta pray n hope for it, shouldn't I?
Hope keeps us strong...but having false hope will eventually break me down..
I have no idea what should I do now...so lost...

Deep inside everyone's heart has a secret..
I don't mind if you don't feel like sharing...for I have mine that I would like to keep, too.

watching eclipse yesterday night...
feels like he is just like the black shadow...eating up my heart...

suddenly a line crossed my mind
"he worth the wait"
then I know...
he is definitely someone that deserve my wait...

who knows maybe he's having the same thought right now...
at somewhere I've never been...

*December*

It's December!!! :D *jumping all around + ShoutOL*
What December means to you?
End of a year? Indicating the beginning of another year is gonna reach soon? Time to recall back everything happened during this whole year?
ARHH..what ever it is!
December is always the month I looking forward to xD
simply because December = HOLIDAYS month~~
and my birthday is in December :P
that used to be my reasons for liking December la~~
BUT this year!! I'm super EXCITED for CHRISTMAS~!!! xD
LOL!!
*whisper* thousandsssss years before, Christ was born on 25th, and 18 years ago, the owner of this blog was born on 18th, ONE WEEK before His birthday~~~
and, I always love my birth date^^ the O Antiphone of my birth date = O Adonai~
(O Adonai, and Leader of the house of Israel, Who didst appear to Moses in the flame of the burning bush, and didst give unto him the Law on Sinai: come and with an outstretched arm redeem us.)

Okay, anyway, this is not a blogpost to remind everyone of my birth date :P

Today I'm gonna tell you what I believe, in who I trust, and why I trust :)

I bet everyone of you watched the love movie 'The Notebook" before..
there's one scene I love, very very very very very very very very very love..
it's the scene where Noah lying on the tar road, right in the middle of the road, beside the traffic light, saying to Allie : "Just relax. Just trust. You need to learn how to trust."
Noah said "NEED" instead of "have"..
why would he says so?

I believe in Him, my Heavenly Father.
I trust in Him, the Lord Jesus Christ.

After gone through this year..I've learned that sometimes when we're not sure, we don't need to worry about anything. all we have to do is TRUST. trust in Him. His wisdom, His love, His plan..

why? because...
when I'm weary, He gives me rest
when I'm worry, He gives me courage
when I'm happy, He gives friends to share my happiness with
when I'm sad, He gives me strength to continue walking with Him
when I feel alone, He shows me I still have my daddy, mummy, brothers..

He NEVER forsake me..
no matter what circumstances, He is there with me :D

Since I believe in Him, He never stop amaze me..
before I know Him, my life was so ordinary..ordinary till can be a legend :P
everyday passed with no meaning..
but this year, everyday is a memory for me!
seriously EVERYDAY.
everything I do I can be so confident because I know He's there.
I know the days ahead will be far more meaningful..
OH I sooooooooooo can't wait for it!

when we trust...
we do not doubt.
we find strength.

there's a friend of me says 'this Jazz ah...macam tak tau apa tu risau."
LOL
it's not that I don't know apa tu risau.
I do worry.
I once even worry till I shiver...
there's also a friend of e says 'tengok, asyik senyum jer Jazz ni..tak pernah rasa sedih.."
LOL x2
it's not that I tak pernah rasa sedih
I do feel sad
I can cry till my eyes swollen till it's hard to open...

but no matter how worry I am, how sad I get..
at the end of the day..I remember and believe His is with me, ALWAYS.
He will never leave us, never give up on us
even you say no to Him, He will still love you with all He has..

He has given me so much, so much..
I don't know why me..
and I don't know what is the best way to love Him back
but I do have a wish.

I want to serve Him with my everything. my voice^^
I can sing His Grace
I can tell His Love
using my voice and my heart

I want to love the others like how He loves me
I want to use His love to love the others..

a flashback of this whole year
I can say this is the best year I have since I was born~
listen to those songs I love,
I know I've changed, and i'll change to be better.

it's not something I can teach you..
like how to trust..how to believe..
because you have to experience His Grace yourself..
so great it's not something a few alphabets can describe..
but I'll pray for you^^
so that you will get to know Him, a good God, an amazing God, a FAITHFUL God

CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This year has been so awesome
I know the ending will too be SUPER awesome too!

I just can't wait to make more memory!

Thank You for giving me all I need^^ and love me though I know I'm not worthy...

Love you all, and with love I post this blog..n.n..

*question*

to be honest
sometime I will still ask

why didn't let me meet you earlier

Ecclesiates 3:1 explained all.

*wink*

God won't let things happen for no reason ;)

*so looooooong..*

yea..It has been a long time since I last update my dear blog..
sorry for leaving you alone..
here I am to tell you what happened recently :)
Listen..

I am real blessed, for I get a one new big awesome family here in matriculation college.
What I've never expect I'll have.
before I really know God, I when I don't even know how it is to pray, I tried to ask friends from Him.
and He didn't only give me friends, He blessed me with what He knows I really need : a family in Christ.
Someone to guide me in this walk with Him, someone to grow with me in this spiritual road.

One of my brother in Christ told me, I'm going to shine for Him, and I'm gonna start now.
when I heard he said that, I was like "oh..right..I'm gonna do my best in this"
this brother of mine teach me a lot, so I never doubt what he says.
so when he tells me about this assignment --- this is what he called it as, I assure him I'll do my best.

I prepared everything, what I wanted to share, how to share, when to share, and the reasons to share.
but then things wasn't turn out to be as what I've planned.
but I tell myself, it's okay :) have faith, God will let you speak when it's the right time.
then it's happened to be the next day.

the topic of the sharing is something about results, faith and future..
because our first sems finals results gonna be out on the following Monday and many of our brothers and sisters seems worry.
I'm fine with it.
maybe because of this he wants me to do a sharing about this, I'm not sure.
was wanted to share like this...:

next Monday, we all have the same thing to face together.
and I know some of you are really worry about it.
I know, 'cause I'm gonna face it too.
but here I am to share something I've learned with you guys.
we all have the same fate : we all get offer to do matriculation.
I believe the SPM results of everyone here is not bad.
some of our friends even get offer to do oversea studies, but their results doesn't seems to be better than ours, right?
what I want to say is that : our results and our future, is not in proportionality.
it's not like, the better results we get, the better college we will be going.
Straight A's students may only get to do Form6 or like us : matriculation.
but those who only get 9A's now probably already holding a JPA scholarships, doing his/her degree in overseas Uni College.
God has His plan for us, a PERFECT plan.
since it's perfect, then nothing will go wrong.
we all here know each others' stories, we all know how our life get changed after coming here.
so can you see that God really has His own principle in doing things?
He has His way for us to learn, to grow.
it's just that we don't know about the plan, that's why we will worry.
then this is where faith comes in.
an important thing for everyone of us to take note : we have to know and believe in Him.
He wants the best for us.

somehow I feel like our life is already planned, we just have to enjoy the journey.
with Him.
no matter how bad/ how excel you perform in exam, He wants you to be at the place, then the place is where you shall be.
someone says to me : you won't be anywhere else, 'cause God had already put you here.

the results we're going to take the following Monday, it's only a one small part in our life.

we still have a long way to go.
heard some of you said want to leave if result is bad. But have you ever consider, after you left, where you want to go?

Private U? yea it's may be alright for your parents, but after so many years of using your parents' earning, you still want to spend your parents' money? when you actually get offered to do your study with allowance, hostel provided? don't you feel it's a little too selfish to do so? we're already 18, we can think.. right?
Form 6? first I would tell you our names is already not in the list of F6.. though it's not impossible for us to get into f6.. but we have to wait. till, Jun 2012? it's like still half a year to go. and we were at first to be one year faster than the others, but if you really made a decision like that, after half year of waiting, 2 years in F6..you'll be 2 1/2 yr slower..
I can't see a reason for anyone of us to give up doing matrics..we already here, is it really so hard to continue walking down this road?

no need to afraid.
b4 exam, we studied.
during exam, we answered.
exam is just a formal exercise to test our understanding about the particular subject.
we study is not for grade, but for knowledge.
If we can't really understand a subject and get a B for it, we are just getting what we deserve, right?
when you know you did really bad in exam, but still you get an A for it, somewhere deep inside your heart you will know it's not a real A.

then won't satisfied with it. then what for.....don't you feel it's meaningless if we study is just to get an A?
no need to afraid.
as long as you've tried your best.
there's a saying goes : do your best and God will do the rest^^
trust and faith play an important role here.
I believe after coming here, everyone get their faith strengthen..A LOT.
so do not forget what has made you grow so much more.
what He had done for you.
He did so many things for you yet if you breakdown just because of one little exam result, imagine how sad He gonna be.

walk with Him. with faith and trust.
He doesn't promise good things happen all the time, but He promises to walk and carry you no matter what you are facing.

we afraid of our future because we don't know what will happen..what is awaiting for us in front.
but we know what He did for us.
is this still not enough to strengthen your faith?
He loves us so much that He even sent His only Son to die for us....
He loves us, He always want the best for us. He won't do things without a reason behind it.

at first I was angry with myself, because I feel I've turn stupid after coming matrics.
but who cares? if we have the heart to learn, then we can learn. if we have the will to know, then we will sure understand.

if you have so much time n energy to worry about your results, why don't just use this time and energy to pray and strengthen your faith?
our life is short, grab every chance to live happily.
there's too much things to worry in life.

anyway, you have us. brothers and sisters in Christ.
we made a promise we will walk together hand-in-hand till the very end.

so that was what I planned to share.
but something happened that turns everybody so down so dull.
and eventually I didn't really deliver the message..and this somehow effects my mood.
hard to explain what actually happened, but I just hope that it's really him that exaggerate about everything.
I know sometimes I act like I don't want to accept the truth, but this time I have the feeling : it's him that made everything goes wrong.
but I don't know la.
I've having a bad mood now. sorry dear blog for bring you such sad post after so long of leaving you.
I'll be fine, just the matter of time :)